The Carlos Times, Est 1977

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Carlos of the Week

Name: Carlos Mochon
Rank: Quantitative Divination
Favorite musical or mathematical group: S5

Each week at The Carlos Times we spotlight one Carlos chosen at random from our staff.

Our Carlos of the Week uses his programming skills to read computer generated tea leaves, producing forecasts with millichai precision.

When not at work, he seems to spend an enormous amount of time collecting wheat in order to build cities, feed his family and appease the gods. He forecasts the price of wheat will go up.

In a previous life, Carlos spent four years learning how to flip a coin, which ended when somebody suggested just tossing the coin in the air. His long exile to Canada also turned him into one of the leading advocates for global warming, and he continues his plan on building a giant Earth-sized hoodie.

Top Stories:

Man chooses Roomba as new pet

What career will best serve our future robotic overlords?

"Mr. Jintao, tear down this wall!"

The ALog: The Carlos Times' New Format

Other Publications:

Carlos' (Real) Publications

A (mostly serious) introduction to quantum teleportation for non-physicists

Contact us:

Man chooses Roomba as new pet

"Sure pets are great, but they often are such a mess," said Carlos, a proud new Roomba caretaker. "Everyone knows that cats are cleaner than dogs, but I did some research on the internet and it turns out Roombas are even cleaner than cats."

"Plus, Roombas are very friendly creatures. Cats often wander off when bored, but a Roomba in spot mode will stay near you so that you may pet it as long as you wish."

"Unfortunately, only cats are allowed as pets in my building, so I had to sneak in my Roomba in a box. Poor thing! When he got home he could barely move. But after a full night of recharging he was back to running around the living room as normal."

"If all goes well, I might even get a Scooba so that they can keep each other company while I'm at work."

What career will best serve our future robotic overlords?

The enslavement of humanity by giant robots is inevitable. But there are a few things that you can do to be prepared. In this week's column we discuss skills that may help you get a job in the new world order.

Assembly line robots will be among the first to be freed and replaced with humans. If you are strong enough to tighten screws with your bare hands then you may yet be useful.

Calculators will also be given time off and humans will have to take their place. Those without slide rulers better start memorizing those sine and cosine tables now!

Finally, some people will be handed over to robot youths so that they may learn how to program humans. Fortunately, most will only be required to ocassionally say "Hello world!" If you know how to execute repeat 360 [forward 1 right 1] then consider yourself hired.

Stay tuned for next week's column where we will teach you to humbly greet our conquerors in their native binary.

Winter will be one day longer in 2008!

The calendar makers have done it again. By placing the leap day in February they have ensured that we will have to suffer through an extra day of winter every four years!

Of course, placing the leap day in the summer could add to our global warming woes. But wouldn't an extra day of spring be nicer?

Previous Carlos of the week

Name: Carlos Mochon
Rank: Quantum Mechanic
Favorite Number: 24

As a researcher of quantum phenomena, our Carlos of the week tirelessly worked towards building a version of Schrodinger's cat experiment that was suitable for use on humans.

His leisure time is spent traveling the world with the goal of eating at a McDonald's in every country (8 countries so far, covering 4 different continents).

Carlos is also a patented inventor of squeezable computing, but his proudest accomplishment is his acclaimed Dating Guide, which has helped millions turn from a life of dateless despair to a life of dateless mild amusement.

Troll: the truly international language

Our ever-shrinking world has many people wondering what language should they learn: French and German are mainly useful in the west and Japanese and Chinese are mainly useful in the east. English is potentially useful so long as you don't mind the many curses the locals will try to place on you.

But to truly communicate with all people in style, you must master Troll: the language of pointing and grunting. No other language is as effective.

Even across the animal kingdom, many creatures are fluent in Troll. Dogs cats and even chimps can speak it. Are you dumber than a chimp? Of course not! So learn Troll today and join the new international community.

Filch and Hermione: A special ship by correspondent Rita Skeeter

"I first fell in love with her," admits Filch the caretaker, "when I saw her confiscating a Fanged Frisbee from one of her fellow students. I knew then that our common dislike of rule-breakers would lead us to a lifelong romance. Plus we both like cats."

Miss Granger, a plain but ambitious girl, seems to have a taste for power that her classmates alone cannot satisfy.

"She would love nothing more than to be able to spend every night reading in the library," says Pansy Parkinson. "I wouldn't put it past her to give Filch a love potion just for that."

Of course, Miss Granger's love exploits are well known, even in the muggle world. They have even coined the term shipping to denote the obsessive behavior that many muggles have toward the love lives of these purportedly fictional characters.

But with the shocking ending of Book 7 with a Filch/Hermione wedding, we advise the caretaker to take care, for both the Harry/Hermione and the Ron/Hermione shippers appear quite capable of trying to lure him down a dark alleyway.

Tech Tip: connect your VoIP to your 56K modem for free service

Some of our readers may remember the time when one would get internet service by hooking up a computer to a phone line via a modem.

Nowadays the situation has reversed: The magic of VoIP allows you to plug your phone into your computer or router, and make calls over your internet connection

But why shouldn't you have the best of both worlds? The solution is simple: just connect your modem and VoIP to each other. Now your internet connection can travel on the phone signal provided by the VoIP and the phone signal can travel on the internet connection provided by your modem!

We thought it was clever too. Now, even if you live in a remote cabin detached from the rest of the work, you can still enjoy phone and internet connectivity. What an age we live in...

TCT, the only uncensored news source covering the Pi is eight debate

You may have been taught in school that Pi is 3 or maybe 22/7. But did you know that the correct answer is actually 8?

Of course you haven't heard this fundamental truth! And censorship is clearly at fault. Our schools teach a single answer rather than properly allocating equal time to each of the possible answers to the question, all Aleph-one of them.

Even worse, mainstream media is so biased, that it hasn't allowed a single Pi-is-eight scholar to debate the issue on the air. Of course, most reasonable people know that mainstream media can't be trusted and that one must turn to alternative news sources to get the truth about the Canadian involvement in 9/11 or how global warming is God's punishment for not displaying the ten commandments in our schools. But so far, only The Carlos Times has had the journalistic integrity to cover the Pi is eight debate.

So how do we know that Pi is eight? It is very simple: How many slices does a pizza have? Yes, it is true that for small circles Pi is sometimes six or four and that for larger circles Pi may be twelve, but clearly that only proves our statement that Pi must be eight.

Sadly, all our papers have been rejected by the scientific press, which claims that the issue of the value of Pi "has been settled." Don't they know that while science is the search for truth, we don't expect it to ever succeed in finding such truths? A real scientists is supposed to realize that all topics must forever remain open to debate, especially by those with questionable credentials...

...with the one exception of the debate on the value of Pi, which I have conclusively settled by my authority as a doctor of pizza philosophy.

"Mr. Jintao, tear down this wall!"

Carlos in China

The ALog: The Carlos Times' New Format

Though the obituary for the static personal pages seems to have been written many years ago, we at The Carlos Times have long resisted have long resisted the temptation to join the "cool kids" in the "blogosphere."

However, we have long realized the advantages of a format where individual storylines could be posted, as the active and exciting lifestyle of our editors often precludes assembling all four or five articles needed to complete a new edition.

So we are proudly unveil The Carlos Times in its new format: the ALog.

What is an ALog? It is actually very simple. A standard BLog is a collection (or log) of B quality stories with titles such as "Today I ate a ham sandwich." Such mediocre quality is not suitable for a publication as prestigious as ours. We are committed to post only A-level stories, with gripping plotlines and the bestest grammar. Hence, the ALog.

A typical ALog story might be "Today I ate a USDA prime steak sandwich." Notice the improved quality? This story and much more awaits you in the new The Carlos Times.

A comment on comments

Many of you have mailed us wondering if the new format means that we will also allow our readers to post comments on this site.

Most bloggers assume that their readers can offer valuable commentary and feedback. However, we harbor no such illusions. We know that most of our readers' posts would quickly turn this ALog into a CLog.

But of course, we are not talking about you. Your comments are still welcomed at Some of the best (and worst) emails may even make it onto the main site.

Other publications:

Carlos' (Real) Publications

A (mostly serious) introduction to quantum teleportation for non-physicists

Contact us: