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Physicist discovers Taco Bell is not a good date restaurant
A local physics graduate student has experimentally proven that Taco Bell is not a romantic place to get dinner. The discovery occurred when Carlos, pictured above, took his date to the famous Chihuahua Dog restaurant. "I figured girls like cute dogs and therefore would also like Taco Bell," said a stunned Carlos, "boy was I wrong."
Shortly after the failed dinner, the girl disappeared never to be seen again. After spending many days searching the Taco Bell for the missing girl, the confused grad student eventually went home after the manager of the restaurant explained that "the girl didn't really disappear, but probably just found the date unromantic and left you."
"I don't understand how this could have happened," explained Carlos to our correspondent, "Normally I'm very romantic." Previous romantic dates have included spending new years sleeping on the street and sitting at home watching Dude, Where's My Car?
"While I'm deeply saddened by my loss, I'm happy that I finally have publishable results. I'm sure my paper entitled 'A study of the girl annihilation properties of Taco Bell' will be a big hit with the physics community, many of whom will appreciate this information."
Top Stories:
String theorist abandons dream for free pizza
"Unraveling the mysteries of the universe is important, but eating free pizza is just more gratifying." was the comment of one of the grad students who recently abandoned string theory. (more)
Measuring the mass of God
Man wins lottery, loses home
New ad campaign rejected
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Carlos' (Real) Publications
String theorist abandons dream for free pizza
"Unraveling the mysteries of the universe is important, but eating free pizza is just more gratifying." was the comment of one of the grad students who recently abandoned string theory.
String theory, which is a new fundamental theory that describes the universe in terms of strings that live in ten dimensions, is clearly a favorite choice for grad students looking for entertainment. This has forced many physics professors from competing fields to offer incentives for students to join their less exciting fields.
The incentives initially were just offers of research topics that could be comprehended by mere mortals, but soon degenerated into offers of office space, sufficient pay to cover rent, and eventually the all too tempting pizza.
One student commented: "When I found out that I could get pizza by leaving string theory, I just started crying from joy. I don't think I have ever been happier in my life."
Some professors have recently decided that the free pizza offer was too generous though, and instead will be offering only free Chinese food. It is not clear whether the exodus from string theory will continue under the new food offering.
Measuring the mass of God
Combining General Relativity with Biblical knowledge scientists have recently made an astounding discovery that not only settles the controversy surrounding the value of Pi, but may also allow us to better understand our maker.
For millennia, people have debated what is the ratio of the perimeter to the diameter of a circle. On the one hand, the Bible clearly states that the first temple contained a circular structure with a perimeter of 30 cubits and a diameter of 10 cubits, giving an exact ratio of 3. On the other hand mathematicians blindly ignore this truth and claim that the result is closer to 3.14.
While it appeared at first that this paradox was unsolvable, an answer was discovered in the prophecies of the great Einstein. In General Relativity, the ratio of perimeters to diameters is not fixed but changes as the space gets curved, which in turn occurs when massive objects are present.
But what kind of massive object could have produced should a large curvature you may ask? The answer is obviously God, who resided in the temple in those days. Therefore, not only have we resolved one of man's greatest quandaries, but assuming a spherically symmetric point source God, we may even be able to estimate His mass!
Man wins lottery, loses home
Celebrations broke out in the graduate complex when a few lucky residents found out that they had won the lottery. The celebrations where cut short though when local officials informed the partying residents that all they had won was the housing lottery, and hence were not really rich.
Further grief was caused when it was explained that the housing lottery was needed because too many people had applied for the subsidized graduate housing, and so a few winners had to be chosen to be evicted and make room for new students.
One teary graduate student was quoted as saying: "I'm sad that I lost my home, but these are really tears of joy. Finally, somebody considers me a winner!"
New ad campaign rejected
Besides bringing you the news, at The Carlos Times we feel a patriotic duty to support our government. That is why we have decided to contribute to the government's latest ad campaign
The current campaign, features teenagers explaining how they fund and support terrorism with the money they use to buy drugs. However, most people don't use drugs, which makes them feel powerless to join to war on terror.
In comes our new campaign featuring Granny Smith, a 67 year old woman from Minnesota. In the ads, Mrs. Smith discusses how the gas she uses to drive to Church on Sundays is funding terrorism: "Every time I go to Church I kill a person. When I drive to the grocery store I fund a new bomb. The visits to my grandchildren help buy fake passports."
Surprisingly, the Bush administration has refused to sponsor our campaign.