Les Grads opens on Broadway

The long unsung story of the graduate students is finally told in the heroic and tragic play Les Grads.

"Right from the opening scene it is clear that things are going to be difficult," comments the lead actor, pictured above, "As soon as we arrive they change our names for uncomputable numbers that no one can pronounce. Thereafter, I am known as 24601.35789462..."

The play also tells the story of a young woman whose illegitimate proof casts her out of the scientific circles. Devoid of her scholarship money, she is forced to TA in the shady undergraduate world in order to make ends meet.

Les Grads culminates with the riots sparked by the administration's decision to end free Internet service. After years of oppressive work, the graduate students stand up to fight for freeness. Unfortunately, most students are too busy studying and the fight fails.

The critics, however, have not been impressed: "Most of the cast can't sing, and the few dramatic scenes cannot make up for the endless hours of problem-sets and papers. Worst of all, I don't understand the ending. Why did the grads study so hard just to end up working at a McDonald's?"

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Scientists to develop leprechaun based quantum computer

In an effort to finally build a working quantum computer, scientist have moved away from designs that use non-existent particles, and are considering using instead the more readily available leprechauns. (more)

TV Says: "Get a Life"

Atheists deported over holidays

Last honest man moved to zoo

Editorial: Thailand must have some very interesting animals

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Scientists to develop leprechaun based quantum computer

In an effort to finally build a working quantum computer, scientist have moved away from designs that use non-existent particles, and are considering using instead the more readily available leprechauns.

"I wanted my research to be useful to humanity and therefore decided that leprechauns was the way to go," said one researcher. "We had spent years trying to build a quantum computer out of particles that are more exotic than magnetic monopoles. However, even magnetic monopoles have never been observed in nature. Then, one day, I had a brilliant idea. I said: `Why don't we try to use materials that actually exist!' and that is how the leprechaun computer was born.

"We believe leprechaun technology could really revolutionize the field," commented another scientist. "They are both hard-working and small enough that they can be stuffed to achieve the high densities required by industrial quantum computing."

While leprechauns have never been used in computations before, it is hoped that they can finally move quantum computers from the land of myth into a solid reality.

TV Says: "Get a Life"

After 3000 hours of operation Carlos' television popped up the message "Get a Life" and refused to display any more programming. Now, in an exclusive The Carlos Times interview, the TV tells all about the mysterious man behind the remote:

TCT: "How long have you been Carlos' television?"

TV: "About two and a half years, during which I've been used for some 3000 hours according to the warranty clock. That is over 3 hours per day! With that time he could have written the great American novel, brought peace to the world, or invented the toothbrush cell-phone. What a loser!"

TCT: "So I take it you don't like him much. What's it been like being his television?"

TV: "The horrors never end. Simpsons episodes over and over again. And not new ones, mind you, but reruns. If I have to say `Don't have a cow' one more time, I swear I'll short my circuits. Besides, now that his cable company offers music channels, I get used as a common radio. He doesn't even have the decency to look at me while I sing. Oh, the humiliation!"

TCT: "Poor TV. We can only hope that Carlos will get a life someday and leave you alone."

Atheists deported over holidays

Hundreds of atheists were deported last December, due to unpatriotic and un-American behavior over the holidays.

One official in charge of the deportations commented: "I don't care if you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, or if you believe in God, Satan or Elvis. However, America has no room for freeloaders. Given the current state of the economy, we need everyone shopping so that the poor toy companies can make ends meet."

While atheists claim they have nothing to celebrate in December, authorities have suggested the holidays of "4th quarter profit season" or "The spirit of Commercialism" as alternatives to the usual religious events.

"Besides, it is not just the toy industry that needs our help. The clothing and deforestation industries are also highly dependent on the holiday season, not to mention the company that prints $25 store gift cards," said the official. "We can only hope that the remaining atheists will see the error of their ways and will try to make amends."

Last honest man moved to zoo

In a stunning demonstration of the power of evolution, the race of honest men has been nearly extinguished, and the last living member has been moved to the zoo for safekeeping.

"The main problem with this species is that they are practically impossible to breed," commented one of the caretakers. "While the number of mates interested in an honest man is enormous, none of them ever last more than a few days. Inevitably, they always ask `Do I look fat in this dress' or `Is person X prettier than I am,' with disastrous consequences."

"We were hoping that breeding would be easier in the zoo, where we could duct-tape his mouth shut," continued the caretaker. "However, when he got to the `Am I fat?' question, he nodded his head in agreement! I'd really like to save this species, but its going to require lights dimmer than anything previously known to mankind."

Mr. Baltimore, the zoo keeper, had a different opinion: "Personally, I don't feel that this species is viable. I believe we should let nature run its course, and just let this species fade into extinction. However, as long as he is in my zoo, you can come and enjoy the show, now running every Friday and Saturday night!"

Editorial: Thailand must have some very interesting animals

Like most city dwellers, I've learned about different animals by reading the menus at the different restaurants I frequent. Cashew Chicken, Chicken wings and the more generic Chicken sandwich clue me in to the fact that somewhere there must exist an animal called a chicken, which probably flies high in the sky using its wings.

Similarly, I've learned about fish, salmon and lamb from the dishes after which they are named. However, with the recent introduction of Thai food into our group meetings, I've realized that there are many animals that I've never heard of.

Apparently, in Thailand, they have animals called green, yellow and red, out of which they make exotic dishes called curries. This traffic-light food must come from some very strange animals indeed.

I guess the moral of the story is that I am very fortunate to have been born in a country where the beef and pepperoni herds run free and wild.

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