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Mad, absent-minded or quack: Scientist ponders career options
As he approaches the last years of his graduate studies, Carlos, the young scientists pictured above, is faced with a tough choice among career paths: should he become a mad scientist, an absent-minded professor or a quack researcher?
"Becoming a quack sounds very appealing since it requires little work and often involves getting large sums of money," commented Carlos. "However, I fear I'll have a hard time keeping a straight face while claiming that Pi is rational or that relativity is wrong."
"A degree in mad science requires the discovery of a novel form of maniacal laughter, and is therefore the hardest path to follow," continued Carlos. "On the other hand, working in a dark underground laboratory would give me a sense of continuity with my graduate years."
"The absent-minded path is certainly a respectable choice. This option usually includes a good-looking spouse, probably supplied by the government (at least that is the only explanation I can come up with). It seems like a good choice, though not very adventurous. If I were a biologist, I could be a Hip Scientist and travel the jungle wearing shorts and a pony tail. Unfortunately, such choices are not available to physicists."
While choosing a career path is tough, it is not nearly as consequential as the choice of wacky hair style that occurs during the post-doc years. Nonetheless, we wish Carlos the best of luck in his mad, quack or absent-minded life.
Top Stories:
Mankind doomed for not keeping Martian Sabbath
Of course everyone knows that the world was created in seven days. But was it really created in seven Earth days? Theologists have recently concluded that the world was in fact created in seven Martian days. (more)
Twenty-first grader denied student discount at movies
California man not so hot in wintery Canada
The world can't end today as it is already tomorrow in Australia
First crash proves quantum computers are ready for industry
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Carlos' (Real) Publications
Mankind doomed for not keeping Martian Sabbath
Of course everyone knows that the world was created in seven days. But was it really created in seven Earth days? Theologists have recently concluded that the world was in fact created in seven Martian days.
By definition, a day is determined as the average amount of time between two successive high-noons (i.e., when the sun is at its highest point). The length of the day, though, varies from planet to planet. For example, on Mars the day lasts 24.66 hours. With the huge number of planets out there, it would be folly to assume that God was using Earth days as his measure of time.
In fact, since at the beginning of creation, our world didn't exist, it should be clear that He was not following Earth time. Theologists now speculate that God was standing on nearby Mars while creating the Earth. Besides, seven Earth days hardly seems like enough time to create the world, but seven Martian days should leave time to spare.
If true, the theological implications are astonishing. The Sabbath would last an extra 40 minutes. Additionally, it would not coincide with any particular day of the week, but rather would sometimes occur on Mondays, Tuesdays, etc. Sadly, this knowledge arrives too late for all those pious people who broke the fourth commandment, and are now getting poked with little red pitchforks. On the bright side, stocks of useless novelty stores have gone up, which have sold large quantities of clocks that keep martian time.
Twenty-first grader denied student discount at movies
"Apparently, students in the twenty first grade are not eligible for discounts at the movie theater," fumed a disappointed grad student while trying to purchase discounted tickets to see the Lord of the Rings. "Just because I'm over 24 doesn't mean I'm not every bit as immature as a high school student. We both are avoiding the same real world, we both should get the same discount!"
"Alas, in the end I had to pay the extra dollar for my movie ticket," continued the twenty-first grader. "I don't know what else I could have done, short of showing up in a full dwarvish costume (including battle axe and full beard) to prove to them that I'm really not grown-up."
"I do admit a certain slowness in finishing my schooling. And I am somewhat embarrassed that I have had to keep repeating the same course (Ph 300, Thesis Research) over and over for the past couple of years. However, I am learning a whole lot of skills. Someday, these skills may help me get a job in a wide variety of fields such as Quantum Computing, Quantum Cryptography or even Quantum Information Theory."
California man not so hot in wintery Canada
It took a trip to Canada for a local California resident to discover that he was not hot.
"I never really wanted to be cool, but I always dreamt about being hot," commented Carlos. "Which is exactly why I moved to California in the first place. However, when I arrived in Canada, I realized I was as not-hot as one can be."
While some suggested that maybe he should eat a lot more, in order to be surrounded by a insulating layer of fat, others gave the paradoxical advice that losing weight might lead to hotness.
"Honestly, I think the second suggestion is rather silly, unless they are really worried with lowering my constant pressure heat capacity," said Carlos. "In the end, I'm just hoping that my return to California will be accompanied by a return to hotness."
The world can't end today as it is already tomorrow in Australia
...unless it is between the hours of 12 AM through 5 AM pacific time, when one has to be extra careful not to destroy the world. That is why high-energy physics experiments, especially those involving primordial black holes, should never be done late at night.
Nonetheless, the fortunate location of Greenwich Mean Time guarantees America a degree of security that is just plainly untenable in Europe or Asia. At least during the daytime, American citizens can tend to their business with the knowledge that no matter what they do today, there will still be a tomorrow. Sure, we may not have universal health care like the Europeans, but what we do have is so much better.
The best part of the deal though, is that after Australia is destroyed, we will have an average of ten hours to figure out what caused the end of the world and save ourselves. Thank you Australia, your sacrifice will not be forgotten.
First crash proves quantum computers are ready for industry
Scientists were elated last Wednesday when their quantum computer experienced a full system crash, proving for the first time that it was ready to be taken out of the laboratory and put on the market.
While academic and research institutions are typically able to accommodate UNIX and other crash-proof environments, the industrial and consumer markets consistently demand software with a propensity to crash at least once per day. Scientists have been worried that quantum computers, which had never experience a system crash, would not get widespread acceptance. Fortunately, the lack of system crashes is no longer a problem.
Given its new capabilities, industry experts expect that a version of Windows can be ported to a quantum computer within six month. "Of course," commented one developer, "these would have to be translucent windows to prevent the user from observing the state of the computer and therefore prematurely measuring it."