PhDs demand respect, swooning women 'just like real doctors'

A complete halt to the production of papers reanalyzing Hamlet is just one of the horrors promised when the nation's PhDs go on strike next month. Their demands: that the title of doctor (that is Ph.D., not the real kind of doctor) no longer be the laughing stock of society.

"We're not asking for rock-star status, we understand our value to society is not that high," commented Dr. Carlos, the lead rabble-rouser pictured above. "However, if I had known that the six years I spent doing nothing in graduate school would not earn me the respect of my peers, I might have gotten a real job instead."

Recent studies have shown that less than 20% of the women dating Ph.D. ever end a description of their boyfriend with the expression "...and he's a doctor!", in contrast with 100% of those dating real doctors.

Nevertheless, most PhDs claim to possess valuable skills. The above debate has inspired Fox to create a new reality TV series called "Real Operations, Fake Doctors: M.D. vs. Ph.D." where the two kinds of doctors face off in the operating room.

One of the PhDs commented on the show: "I think the PhDs did really well in the pilot episode. Sure, we never did get to cure our patient's broken arm. However, by teaching him string theory, we showed him that it was possible to move his arm in an extra six spatial dimensions! All the MDs were able to do was restore their patient's movement in the original three dimensions."

Whether these practical demonstrations of the PhD's value to society will be enough to earn the common man's respect and avert a strike remains to be seen.

Top Stories:

Activist judge upholds clone rights. Stormtroopers rejoice.

A judge from the ninth circuit in Alderaan (known as the most liberal circuit in a galaxy far far away) ruled against the government in the case Fett #4234899 v. Imperial Army saying that "Clones must have equal rights under the law." (more)

Weather Forecast: Cold

Movies: Nightmare on Sector 13

Travel: TCT's guide to Canada

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Activist judge upholds clone rights. Stormtroopers rejoice.

A judge from the ninth circuit in Alderaan (known as the most liberal circuit in a galaxy far far away) ruled against the government in the case Fett #4234899 v. Imperial Army saying that "Clones must have equal rights under the law, and hence the right to make their own choices in life." The suit was brought by Mr. Fett #4234899, who wished to be an interior designer rather than a stormtrooper.

Lord Vader was heard saying after the verdict "You have failed me for the last time" followed by a lot of heavy breathing. A spokesman for Lord Vader later said that what Vader had really meant was that he believes "decisions of this sort should be addressed by the imperial senate rather than by activist judges." On further questioning, the spokesman declined to rule out the possibility that Vader would use the "Death Star" option.

This is not the first time that a comment by Vader has aroused a public outcry. Separation of church and state activists were upset over last month's statement "I find your lack of faith disturbing" made by Vader to an enlisted man who was questioning the power of the force. The incident seemed to imply that Jedi is the officially sanctioned state religion.

As for Mr. Fett #4234899, he has already received a contract to design the interior of a massive moon-like government project, though the details of such project remain secret.

Weather Forecast: Cold.

Our staff meteorologist is sad to announce a change in the upcoming weather forecast from a pleasant California climate to a freezing Canadian nightmare. A waking daytime nightmare...

The Carlos Times obtained an exclusive interview with Dr. Carlos, one of the people affected by the sudden weather change.

TCT: "Once the three months of sprummerall finish, and the eternal winter begins, how do you plan on dealing with the weather?"

Dr.C: "It may be cold outside, but I'm hoping I can keep warm by staying inside most of the time."

TCT: "You do realize that no amount of indoor heating will be able to compensate the chilling effects of the mounds of snow visible from your window."

Dr.C: "Well, at least the winter should be a good time to study low temperature physics"

TCT: "But aren't you a theorist?"

Dr.C: "Oh my God. What have I done?"

Movies: Nightmare on Sector 13

Bithack studios (whose parent company, Mom and Pop's Mega Corp, is also the owner of The Carlos Times) has announced the production of a new information-age horror film: Nightmare on Sector 13.

"People are tired of the usual vampires and mummies," commented the films director. "In today's age of enlightenment and reason, mythical creatures of darkness simply do not have the scaring power they once enjoyed. A film maker must resort to horrors more terrible than being torn to pieces by a monster, and today nothing is more terrifying than total data loss."

"The story features a young geek who goes to computer camp, where he installs a server in a room which was once used as a hardware disposal ground. However, he is not worried because he is pure of heart and his computer is running Linux. At camp, he meets a beautiful geek girl, whose glasses and ponytail sends his heart aflutter. In a moment of careless, though, he uses her laptop to check his email, without realizing that it was running Windows. His hands unclean, he now is a target of data loss on his server."

The MPAA is already threatening the film with an NC17 rating for the film's realistic depiction of data loss. The producers retorted "we know the subject is not appropriate for the very young, or the weak of heart. Data loss is real, though. People have lost their data, and anyone could be next... even you!"

Travel: TCT's guide to Canada

In our ongoing to quest to make the world seem like a warmer (?) and more friendly place, here in the travel section of The Carlos Times we are proud to present our guide to Canada, featuring five essential tips for all those who plan on traveling to the northern American colonies:

1) Beware of money scams:

Inevitably, some kind Canadian soul will offer to give you 12 dollars for one of your ten dollar bills. You might assume he is simply ignorant because the Canadian socialist education system never taught him the value of money. However, this is a well known scam. The so-called dollars he will give you are fake (this should be especially obvious of the ones that come in coin form). Caveat emptor.

2) Subscribe to as much spam as possible:

During the nine months of Canadian winter, when sitting in your apartment near absolute zero, incoming email may very well be your only source of entropy. With a seemingly endless supply of ways of spelling the word "m0rtg.Age", those incoming spam emails could very well save your life.

3) Lose weight:

Though most countries occupy a 2-dimensional space (and some like Switzerland are 3-dimensional) Canada is defined as the northern U.S. border: a one dimensional space. When visiting Canada, especially the aptly named Perimeter Institute, you will need to squeeze into this narrow space.

4) Beware of parser differences:

Whereas English is much like the computer programing language BASIC, where each line is ended by a pause (or carriage return) Canadian English is more like C. An idea is not complete until terminated by the expression "eh?" the equivalent of C's semicolon. Without the proper termination a Canadian will patiently wait for the remainder of the sentence. If you encounter a Canadian staring blankly ahead, try issuing an end of sentence command "eh?"

5) Travel a lot:

The best way to enjoy the beauty and splendor of Canada, is from afar. Preferably a warm tropical country. But don't forget to leave a webcam facing out your window. That way you can enjoy watching the snow fall while sipping a margarita on the beach. Isn't Canada beautiful (when you are thousand of miles and tens of degrees away)?

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