Carlos' Guide to Tech-School Dating

My officemate was reading a book with the caption "Seduce or be seduced," which tried to imply that those who were not playing the game were being taken advantage of. I asked myself, though, what happens when there is no one to take advantage of you? Clearly the dating-advice books have long been neglecting the Tech-School guys. But fear not dear tech-school student, this guide can teach you all that you need to know to have a non-negative social life (positivity not guaranteed).

Below I have also included advice for Tech-school girls. Though no actual girls were available to advise during the writing, the relevant data was obtained with the latest techniques of data extrapolation and scientific guestimation.

Getting a boy/girlfriend

Walk to the center of campus and say "I'm single and looking for a boyfriend." Wait thirty second for the first ten guys to arrive and choose the one you like best.

You've got to woo the girls on your campus with ART. That is Attrition, Resourcefulness and Trickery. The easiest strategy is attrition, whereby you ask the girl out so many times that eventually she goes out with you just to get you to stop. Resourcefulness doesn't require being clever but rather having many resources. Your money, car and time can all be donated to the girl of your dreams who may someday give you a pity date. Finally, the most effective method is trickery: for example, you could try asking her out after a long sequence of easy questions that are all answered by yes. And don't not forget to not not not use you quadruple and quintuple negatives!

Getting an off-campus boy/girlfriend

Assuming a standard male-to-female ratio of 10 to 1, no matter how unappealing you are, you can still have your pick among the top 10% of guys on campus. Understandably, even this may not be very satisfactory, and therefore you may want to look for guys off-campus. You must realize, though, that non-technicals guys won't be as impressed with how many digits of Pi you have memorized. Never fear: the light course work at your tech-school will leave you ample time to focus on all the beauty related issues by which you will be judged off-campus.

Face it, you're not going to find a girl on campus (let alone one willing to date you). You have to go to their home turf, as scary as that sounds. One option is to go to Church. Certainly more guys get laid by attending Church than Tech-schools. The danger, of course, is that she'll expect you to pretend to be interested in the whole religious mumbo-jumbo even after you've met her. You've been warned!

Internet dating

Why not show off your skillz, and at the same time meet a hip dude. Of course, most likely your hip dude is a married forty-year-old balding guy, but even that is an improvement over the guys in your lab. Whatever you do, be very careful not to mention on your ad that you are technically inclined: remember what happened when looking for a boyfriend on campus? Now imagine the same thing but with every tech-school guy in the country trying to ask you out. 'Nuff said.

Finally, a place were you will be judged by your wit and charm rather than your looks. Oh, if only you had wit and charm! For some reason most women are ignoring your ad written in C code. You probably want to include the line "If you are seeking a smart, witty and hot guy... but are willing to settle for a Tech dork, then please email me."

First date

Sure, eventually you want a long term relationship, but why not first take advantage of the Tech-School Free Meal Plan for Girls. Every night you can have a different guy take you out on a date and buy you dinner. There certainly are enough single pathetic guys on campus to keep you on the meal plan well into your Junior year. Heck, a few of them may even take you somewhere other than the cafeteria.

Given how many first dates you've been on, you really should be an expert on the subject. Then again, given how few second dates you've been on, maybe not. You just have to stand in front of a mirror and practice saying "You look really good today," until you can make it sound convincing under any circumstances. Not wearing a T-shirt on your date would also be helpful.

Intimacy

Maybe you are dating someone off campus, good for you! Otherwise, it is time to visit your campus bookstore and buy a large supply of markers. Write "Cuddling is Good" in big colorful letters and put many copies all throughout your apartment. You are not aiming at subtlety here, that doesn't work with guys. If you are lucky, after a few months he will notice the signs and ask you what cuddling is.

Sure, you can assemble a computer from spare parts in under a minute even with your eyes closed and one hand behind your back. Unfortunately, her bra connector appears to be neither PS/2 nor USB. Time to have another look at the online manuals.

Marriage

Congratulations! You have accepted his ring, and have thus been branded the property of your husband. Fortunately, as all great rings of power, this one is tricksy, for the true power lies with the ring-bearer. Given how opposed your husband was initially to the ideas of marriage and kids, you'd assume that in a fair world future compromises should go his way. Lucky for you, the power of the ring will make sure you win all future arguments as well.

Congratulations! Due do a clerical error, all records concerning your diploma and technical skills were lost, thereby society has deemed you worthy of procreating. Unfortunately, not all is well. The ring, which you believed to be her purchase price, turned out to be only a down payment. It is times like these, when your realize your inexperience in economics and women's studies, that you wish you had gone to a school with a humanities department.

About the author

Carlos is a veteran of both M.I.T. and Caltech, and as such is an expert on the Tech-school experience. Though none of the above advice seems to be working for him, maybe some of it will be useful to you.

Disclaimer

The (incredibly biased and misogynistic) ideas and opinions expressed above are solely the author's, and do not represent the views of The Carlos Times. In fact, the author will probably go to hell where he will be repeatedly poked by flaming pitchforks, and forced to take proper humanities courses.

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